December 13, 2012 § Leave a comment
Today in biology I cut a fetal pig’s heart clean in half and felt absolutely nothing. Could the symbolism be any more transparent?
Alright Heather, cut the melodrama.
Playing the beautiful loving character that is Hope Cladwell all fall opened my eyes, I think I may be a bitch. At a young age I prided myself on my altruistic personality, now I wonder where that compassion has escaped to. I look at the small handful of people I’ve lost due to my over competitive attitude, low tolerance, and fear of commitment. I see faces that I’m glad have nothing to do with me anymore, and one face that I wish I could make look me in the eyes again.
I think about who I was exactly one year ago. I think about the guy who was supposed to remain my best friend for the rest of my life, the same guy who I can’t even say hello to in class. While I hesitate to throw out the term “used,” I never though I’d be the one taking advantage. I fear heading down the same path again.
September 20, 2012 § Leave a comment
Happy audition week everyone!
It’s that time of year again and my stomach is in knots. The fall musical is competitive, and I’m fighting for a spot.
Monday I auditioned with my song and monologue, and left feeling unfulfilled. It was a long two day wait until the callback list was posted yesterday, but somehow my name found its way on there. I had the privilege of reading for the female lead all afternoon.
There’s the problem with callbacks: you begin just wanting any part in the show, no matter how small, but callbacks introduce you to this wonderful lead. I’ve realized how amazing having this big role would be, but I have to keep forcing my hopes down and remind myself that I haven’t even been cast yet. It doesn’t help that all of a sudden I’ve been thrust in to some crappy ABC family movie, and am competing with two of my best friends for this part.
I did give it all I had though, that’s one thing I am certain about. If I don’t get cast in this role at least I can be confident that I held nothing back at callbacks. That’s what it’s about it in the end I guess. You win some and you lose some, but the real losers are the ones who lost because they gave up. If this role slips away from my grasp, there’s always next year to bounce back!
The cast list will be posted Friday afternoon. After school. I cringe just thinking about the two six and a half hour days that I’ll have to endure before I receive closure. Including tonight, that’s over thirty two hours! Alright, it’s time to stop torturing myself with this math and regulate my heart beat. That’s something you become so accustomed to through theatre, the feeling that a monster hand is residing in your chest and squeezing your heart. Yet, I stick with it. The uphill battle is almost over, just two days until I reach the peak. I can see it where the end is supposed to be, but I just can’t seem to make it out through all of this fog.
September 14, 2012 § Leave a comment
The thing about always taking the high road is that is gets pretty lonely up here.
I know walking the mature path is whats supposed to benefit you in the long run, but where on earth has it lead me?
I know the sayings:
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind
Two wrongs don’t make a right!
Don’t fight fire with fire.
They forget to mention that if you don’t whip out your fire, you get walked all over. So there are my options: create a bigger problem, or take the passive approach and become a human punching bag.
It’s been a rough couple of days. Somewhere along the line I was unfairly designated a good friend’s scapegoat and received an unnecessary amount of cruelty for a situation that I was not a part of. Granted, I knew about it, but I was stuck between friends in a thick pool of secrets. What a classic “don’t tell her I told you but…” situation.
I was just an innocent spectator on the sidelines. I didn’t even want to be there but I was dragged on to that field without realizing, and from there conflict was inevitable.
I had two obligations:
1. Keep a good friends secret
2. Tell another good friend that secret, as it was in her best interest to know.
So basically, there was no way to win, so I transformed into the human punching bag when friend #2 heard what had happened. And I sat there and took her blows, biting my tongue.
So here I am, sitting up on the high road, feet dangling in all of this empty space. I could jump, in fact I’d love to jump and sink to everyone else’s level. I’m tempted, all of this translucent air is taunting me. What would it be like to not do that mature thing for once? How would it feel to let all my real feelings lose?
Everyone else seems allowed to make stupid decisions, maybe it’s my turn to take a stab at it.
September 4, 2012 § 1 Comment
And the day has arrived. Back to school.
Except this time I’m a junior?
I don’t know when the universe decided I am ready to take on the title of upperclassmen, I definitely was just a freshman a few days ago. I remember entering the auditorium on my first day of high school and seeing the upperclassmen mentors sitting on the stage so clearly. Today, I was sitting on that stage. Today, I gave the freshmen a tour of the school and answered their questions about lockers and bathrooms. Today, I gave a lost kid directions. Since when am I qualified to give directions?
I have to admit, I could get used to this. Feeling this old adds a new layer of confidence to my daily routine, or maybe that’s just me breaking out of the shell that I spent all of middle school developing.
For instance, while meeting with the school chorus teacher today a girl came in asking about the a’capella program. For the first time ever, I introduced myself with a title.
“Hi! I’m Heather and I’m the leader of the A’capella program”
Naturally this was followed by the abrupt realization that I actually am leading something, and minor freak out (ohmygodthatisstillsostrangetosay!).
I couldn’t feel more on top of my game, but I haven’t even gotten started. Tomorrow I’ll be thrown in to my first AP class. Plus, audition week is quickly approaching. My summer slump has come to an abrupt end, but I am ready to get organized (why do I love organizing so much?) and get back on my game for school.
Will I survive this year? I’ll keep you posted!
August 31, 2012 § Leave a comment
Nearly one year ago, I began Sophomore year with this word in mind. It was time to break lose, roll with the punches, and stop meticulously planning every second of my life.
I look back on the last 12 months with many regrets, but the satisfaction of doing things I thought I never would.
I think about Heather from a year ago, and then look at who I am now. Appearance wise, I haven’t changed. Experience wise, I have grown more than ever before (despite the fact that my height hasn’t changed an inch). I’ve make breakthroughs, and I’ve made mistakes. I’ve gained best friends, and I’ve lost them too.
A big theme this year has been bravery. From a young age I’ve been incredibly timid, and it does not do me justice. This year I decided to take some leaps of faith (metaphorically and literally).
The first thing confidence got me was a lead in the school musical. At callbacks, I held nothing back. I shrieked and stomped my way into the role of Amber. Sometimes, you just have to let lose and go for it.
I rode a roller coaster for the first time, jumped of a bridge, and finally pierced my cartilage.
Unfortunately, brave spontaneity is a double edged sword. While I look back on some moments as my best, I’ve certainly lived some of my worst. Lesson learned: don’t make out with your ex, especially at a dance. Some creepy freshman will take a picture, and it will end up on Facebook (thankfully it was removed after only 1 day). Sometimes thinking “fuck it, I can deal with the aftereffects later” is a bigger compromise than you think.
So, was it worth it? Do the successes outweigh the mistakes? For now, I’m going to say yes. What are dumb decisions if we don’t learn from them anyway? I’d encourage everyone to do a few stupid things, because sometimes they’ll create your best memories…or at least make for a good story.