September 23, 2012 § 1 Comment
…and after a nail biting two days, the cast list has been posted. I’m glad that I can say it only generated great news!
I am officially the luckiest girl, and will be playing the lead role of Hope Cladwell in “Urinetown” this fall! Yes, the show’s title is off putting but even that can’t dampen my spirits.
Thursday was stressful, Friday was painful. Just thinking about the mystery surrounding the cast list was enough to send a metaphysical knife sailing into my gut. Checking the clock every five minutes grew more difficult with each passing interval, but somehow I made it to the last ten minutes of the day. Then I had to face the walk. The typical thirty second commute from the chorus classroom to the location of the cast list stretched for miles and ended abruptly at a dense crowd of people. I couldn’t look, but I had to. The next two months of my life depended on that sheet of paper.
Hope Cladwell…followed by my name. Could it be true? I still don’t completely believe it.
Glorious moments such as these are the reason I do theatre. Granted, they only come after my lowest moments. Being cut from the musical my freshman year was devastating to say the least, being rejected from the Christmas revels chorus hurt as well, and not making the winter play was a huge disappointment. With each cut and insignificantly small role my frustration only grew further. My dad would comfort me by saying my time would come, that eventually people would recognize me. He told me to stick to it and I could only move up.
Dedication and patience can only pay off. I know that I’ll face waves of brutal rejection in the future, but for now I am going to bask in the light.
September 20, 2012 § Leave a comment
Happy audition week everyone!
It’s that time of year again and my stomach is in knots. The fall musical is competitive, and I’m fighting for a spot.
Monday I auditioned with my song and monologue, and left feeling unfulfilled. It was a long two day wait until the callback list was posted yesterday, but somehow my name found its way on there. I had the privilege of reading for the female lead all afternoon.
There’s the problem with callbacks: you begin just wanting any part in the show, no matter how small, but callbacks introduce you to this wonderful lead. I’ve realized how amazing having this big role would be, but I have to keep forcing my hopes down and remind myself that I haven’t even been cast yet. It doesn’t help that all of a sudden I’ve been thrust in to some crappy ABC family movie, and am competing with two of my best friends for this part.
I did give it all I had though, that’s one thing I am certain about. If I don’t get cast in this role at least I can be confident that I held nothing back at callbacks. That’s what it’s about it in the end I guess. You win some and you lose some, but the real losers are the ones who lost because they gave up. If this role slips away from my grasp, there’s always next year to bounce back!
The cast list will be posted Friday afternoon. After school. I cringe just thinking about the two six and a half hour days that I’ll have to endure before I receive closure. Including tonight, that’s over thirty two hours! Alright, it’s time to stop torturing myself with this math and regulate my heart beat. That’s something you become so accustomed to through theatre, the feeling that a monster hand is residing in your chest and squeezing your heart. Yet, I stick with it. The uphill battle is almost over, just two days until I reach the peak. I can see it where the end is supposed to be, but I just can’t seem to make it out through all of this fog.
September 14, 2012 § Leave a comment
The thing about always taking the high road is that is gets pretty lonely up here.
I know walking the mature path is whats supposed to benefit you in the long run, but where on earth has it lead me?
I know the sayings:
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind
Two wrongs don’t make a right!
Don’t fight fire with fire.
They forget to mention that if you don’t whip out your fire, you get walked all over. So there are my options: create a bigger problem, or take the passive approach and become a human punching bag.
It’s been a rough couple of days. Somewhere along the line I was unfairly designated a good friend’s scapegoat and received an unnecessary amount of cruelty for a situation that I was not a part of. Granted, I knew about it, but I was stuck between friends in a thick pool of secrets. What a classic “don’t tell her I told you but…” situation.
I was just an innocent spectator on the sidelines. I didn’t even want to be there but I was dragged on to that field without realizing, and from there conflict was inevitable.
I had two obligations:
1. Keep a good friends secret
2. Tell another good friend that secret, as it was in her best interest to know.
So basically, there was no way to win, so I transformed into the human punching bag when friend #2 heard what had happened. And I sat there and took her blows, biting my tongue.
So here I am, sitting up on the high road, feet dangling in all of this empty space. I could jump, in fact I’d love to jump and sink to everyone else’s level. I’m tempted, all of this translucent air is taunting me. What would it be like to not do that mature thing for once? How would it feel to let all my real feelings lose?
Everyone else seems allowed to make stupid decisions, maybe it’s my turn to take a stab at it.
September 13, 2012 § Leave a comment
I’ve met my match. Pre-calculus, I do hope you realize the horrible things that you’re about to do to my GPA are banging a huge dent in my future. Come on, no one likes an Algebra 2.
I remember the time when I was good at math, this era ended when fractions were introduced. My first memory of being the last one finished is set at my third grade desk, hunched over my failed attempts to make sense of a problem while my finished classmates sat waiting on the rug. Eight years later, I remain in the classroom long after hours finishing quizzes, or coming in early for extra help. Ironically, I spent the more time in my Algebra 2 classroom last year than any other, even though it was my least favorite class by far.
Numbers have never clicked with me. I shouldn’t complain because my math grades are decent, but I can’t reason these problems the way my peers can. How do they remember all of these crazy rules? How do they reason these masses of symbols that I can’t even decipher? And most of all, how the hell do they do it so fast?! It’s like some crazy race where everyone bursts off the start line, and I’m left choking on a cloud of dust.
It doesn’t help that I can’t shake the feeling that I’ll never use any of this. I know my career is following the English trail, so I’m not really sure where dilating a parabola is going to come in to play. Don’t even get me started about logs and matrices.
I can’t let math win this time around. To anyone out there who struggles like I do: a couple words of advice.
1. Get a tutor. Your teacher isn’t going to spend the one on one time that you need with you during class, so hire someone who you can. College students work for twenty bucks an hour.
2. Make the math class your home away from home. If your teacher is offering extra time, take it. Take all of it. They may hate you for making them stay in the building with you until 4:00, but it’s worth taking the time to push for that decent quiz grade. Come in before school too, be the first person they see bright and early
Okay precalc, lets go.
September 4, 2012 § 1 Comment
And the day has arrived. Back to school.
Except this time I’m a junior?
I don’t know when the universe decided I am ready to take on the title of upperclassmen, I definitely was just a freshman a few days ago. I remember entering the auditorium on my first day of high school and seeing the upperclassmen mentors sitting on the stage so clearly. Today, I was sitting on that stage. Today, I gave the freshmen a tour of the school and answered their questions about lockers and bathrooms. Today, I gave a lost kid directions. Since when am I qualified to give directions?
I have to admit, I could get used to this. Feeling this old adds a new layer of confidence to my daily routine, or maybe that’s just me breaking out of the shell that I spent all of middle school developing.
For instance, while meeting with the school chorus teacher today a girl came in asking about the a’capella program. For the first time ever, I introduced myself with a title.
“Hi! I’m Heather and I’m the leader of the A’capella program”
Naturally this was followed by the abrupt realization that I actually am leading something, and minor freak out (ohmygodthatisstillsostrangetosay!).
I couldn’t feel more on top of my game, but I haven’t even gotten started. Tomorrow I’ll be thrown in to my first AP class. Plus, audition week is quickly approaching. My summer slump has come to an abrupt end, but I am ready to get organized (why do I love organizing so much?) and get back on my game for school.
Will I survive this year? I’ll keep you posted!
August 31, 2012 § Leave a comment
Nearly one year ago, I began Sophomore year with this word in mind. It was time to break lose, roll with the punches, and stop meticulously planning every second of my life.
I look back on the last 12 months with many regrets, but the satisfaction of doing things I thought I never would.
I think about Heather from a year ago, and then look at who I am now. Appearance wise, I haven’t changed. Experience wise, I have grown more than ever before (despite the fact that my height hasn’t changed an inch). I’ve make breakthroughs, and I’ve made mistakes. I’ve gained best friends, and I’ve lost them too.
A big theme this year has been bravery. From a young age I’ve been incredibly timid, and it does not do me justice. This year I decided to take some leaps of faith (metaphorically and literally).
The first thing confidence got me was a lead in the school musical. At callbacks, I held nothing back. I shrieked and stomped my way into the role of Amber. Sometimes, you just have to let lose and go for it.
I rode a roller coaster for the first time, jumped of a bridge, and finally pierced my cartilage.
Unfortunately, brave spontaneity is a double edged sword. While I look back on some moments as my best, I’ve certainly lived some of my worst. Lesson learned: don’t make out with your ex, especially at a dance. Some creepy freshman will take a picture, and it will end up on Facebook (thankfully it was removed after only 1 day). Sometimes thinking “fuck it, I can deal with the aftereffects later” is a bigger compromise than you think.
So, was it worth it? Do the successes outweigh the mistakes? For now, I’m going to say yes. What are dumb decisions if we don’t learn from them anyway? I’d encourage everyone to do a few stupid things, because sometimes they’ll create your best memories…or at least make for a good story.